Because everyone’s into profiles these days and curating a super cool version of thyself has become a silent sport.
Q: What makes you stand apart from other girls?
A: I sometimes use Starbucks more for their bathroom than buying coffee-flavored syrup.
Q: Are you the jealous type?
A: I don’t know what jealousy feels like in a relationship with a living, breathing human being, but I do tend to get territorial over my cereal at home.
Q: Will my parents like you?
A: There’s a good chance. I’m not overly political, which would probably make meeting and getting along with ‘rents pretty easy. Unless your parents are super political. Then they might lose respect for me after finding out that I have no idea what a Libertarian is.
Q: Qualities you’re looking for in a mate?
A: Great arms. And I don’t mind a man bun, so feel free to be your rugged, Jeep-owning self. Aptitude with words, because I want to kick butt in couple Scrabble tournaments (that goes for trivia too).
Q: Are you athletic?
A: One time a pregnant lady passed me on the Monon Trail. I was running.
Q: Do you believe in love at first sight?
A: It depends. Am I wearing contacts? If I’m wearing contacts I probably can’t see you from that far away and so I’m squinting to try and get a good look at you and by that point you’re freaked out and walking briskly with your head down so I still can’t get a good look at you and now you’re gone. And if I’m wearing glasses you subconsciously suppose, on a purely unbiased biological level, that my ability to reproduce is lower since my vision is slightly impaired. So do I believe in love at first sight? Yes.
Q: Any redeeming qualities?
Of course, I’m not a jar of pickles! I understand how football works, so I won’t interrupt any tense profanity-ridden outbursts during the Super Cup to ask if the ball is really made out of a pig’s skin. I can also cook, so if you’re watching hockey then I’ll just be in the kitchen making a casserole because there’s a sport I really don’t understand (though I am trying, so another quality would be eager to learn I guess??).
Q: Perfect date?
A: Something that portrays your dynamic ability to be clutch in virtually any situation. For example, a cooking class that shows your disdain for microwavable meals. A trip to Home Depot to prove your knowledge of big scary tools that could one day save us from a flooded basement, ant infestation, tsunami, etc. A Connor Prairie visit so I can test your ability to churn butter. A hiking trip so I can fake fall and see if you can carry me. Seeing the Declaration of Independence to measure your affinity for quoting Nicholas Cage. A disco night to demonstrate your aptitude to dance your way out of any problem. Just to name a few.